{"id":219,"date":"2016-01-21T09:45:34","date_gmt":"2016-01-21T09:45:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.poohnuggets.com\/?p=219"},"modified":"2016-01-22T03:25:33","modified_gmt":"2016-01-22T03:25:33","slug":"the-bills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.relentlessmoms.com\/?p=219","title":{"rendered":"The Bills"},"content":{"rendered":"

The file. It is something I have dreaded going through for a while. The large manila envelope is such a large heap that I had to keep it in a box. It is marked \u201cPaid \/ To File\u201d. I had thrown all of the doctor bills in this file. Every bill is another reminder of each trip to each new specialist. Each time I had to tell again, \u201cour story\u201d. Each time I would wonder if this was it. Each time I would stress out leading up to the appointment over the possible outcomes. Each time they told me \u201cI don\u2019t think I am the right one to help\u201d. As I pulled this file out tonight to finally sort through I got an\u00a0awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Had I really dreaded this file this long? I guess I really didn\u2019t realize I had this much pent up frustration over what I had been through. As I sorted I was reminded of each time I paid each bill and how I stressed over every payment. How I would check the HSA account each time to see how much we had left. How I dreaded telling my husband each time another bill came. How so many times I wouldn\u2019t tell my husband bills would come and I would just take the money from my savings. This was the first time in my life I wasn\u2019t working. The first time in my adult life, in our marriage that all the financial responsibility and healthcare lay fully on his shoulders. How I knew that no matter how awful it was each time I paid another bill that I would still keep searching for answers and call another specialist. There were times I believed my husband thought I was losing my\u00a0mind but in reality I was just desperate for relief for my son. \u00a0I just felt utterly helpless. \u00a0I knew how much stress it was putting on my husband and our marriage. The financial burdens that come along with searching for healthcare answers are excruciatingly painful. I think at one point my husband calculated that we had spent $20,000 on Andrew\u2019s healthcare in his first year. As I continue to sort through these bills, I am reminded of the times that I thought that I didn\u2019t care how crazy my husband thought I was, I was going to keep searching. I was going to figure out what was hurting my son. For every bill I see tonight, it is a reminder that I sometimes do not believe our marriage survived that year. \u00a0Every time I would tell my husband of a new allergy test or holistic doctor that was going to help his reply was always, \u201cwhat is this going to cost?\u201d It was never that he didn\u2019t care but he knew how much it all added up. Tomorrow my husband and I are celebrating the 10-year anniversary of our first date.\u00a0\u00a0 As I finish up for the night, I am so thankful to still have a strong marriage. I know in my heart that if we made it through all that we did that year we can make it through anything. I am so thankful that my husband stood beside me through it all and he loved me even on the toughest of days. \u00a0I am also so very grateful for all the tests that came back negative. \u00a0How I know things could have been so much worse. \u00a0I am thankful Andrew is a healthy and happy little boy. \u00a0It was the time of the unknown diagnosis that was the toughest and I am thankful to have had my partner along by my side, I love you husband.<\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"